


The five times Loki drank and the one time Loki couldn’t

by Phenix_Demitto



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: 5 + 1 Things, 5 Things, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loki Needs a Hug, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Reference to Avengers: Infinity war Part 1, References to Depression, Sad Loki, Suicidal Thoughts, alcoholic Loki, this author is evil, thor ragnarok - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 12:47:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14811654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phenix_Demitto/pseuds/Phenix_Demitto
Summary: When Loki fell on Sakaar he was sure he had lost everything and everyone that was important to him. Loki could see no point in continuing with his life, he had no one. At first, Loki drank to forget but later he drank because he knew it would slowly kill him.These are the five times Loki drank and the one time he couldn't.





	The five times Loki drank and the one time Loki couldn’t

 

**1.**

When Loki fell it was like falling for the first time all over again. Loki waited for the void to accept him and for him to die a thousand times over but this time that didn’t happen. Instead Loki met the ground so hard that he formed a crater beneath him. For a moment Loki wished he had collided with the world hard enough to sink into unconsciousness.

Loki groaned and twisted onto his back. Loki was lying among the garbage piles of the world he had landed on but he was still trapped in the images of Hela’s blade and of the look in her eye. He could see Asgard burning. He could see Thor’s corpse. Norns, Thor was dead. Loki swallowed and dragged himself up as he tried to ignore how tight his chest was becoming. Thor had survived worse, Thor had survived him, so he could survive another murderous sibling.

The crunch of rubble brought his attention to the present. He almost startled at the woman that was standing over him. She stood tall, her black hair hanging loosely around her cold face.

“Are you a food or fighter?” the woman asked.

Loki found his eyes tracing the white lines painted around her eyes that promised anything but friendship. His eyes fell to the weapon in her hand, pointed at him. It would hit him before he reached for his weapon.

“Neither,” Loki hissed.

The woman quirked an eyebrow before smirking, “Perfect.”

Loki would like to think he put up a fight but she moved faster than any mortal. He blamed it on falling from the sky but in reality, there was no fight left in him. He didn’t see the point. There was nothing left to fight for. Yet the woman didn’t kill him but simply hauled him up. He could smell alcohol thick on her breath as she dragged his body, disk on his neck, onto to her ship.

It wasn’t long before he found out the third option to her question. It was too late to take his words back as he lay in the Grandmaster’s bed. This was an easier fate than the arena below. It was what he kept telling himself and if Loki needed a drink to convince himself, then that wasn’t cheating.

Sakaar was easier to handle when he was trapped in the buzz of alcohol. He was trapped in every other way. The disk on his neck kept him from running, the Grandmaster kept his magic under check and the alcohol chased the memories away. The alcohol kept him agreeable. It kept him thinking too much. So when the Grandmaster waved him over across the party, Loki grabbed a drink and downed it.

 

**2.**

Loki found days on Sakaar blurred together. He started the day gulping whatever drink he had left next to him and then prepared for himself for whatever the Grandmaster required of him for the day. That often meant he drank more to get himself through whatever _that_ was.

He didn’t know how long he had been on Sakaar but there was no doubt anymore that Thor was dead. Loki didn’t want to admit it to himself but there was no way Thor could survive Hela. He had watched her crush Mjolnir in her bare hands, she had probably done the same to Thor’s skull.

Loki couldn’t even remember the last words he had said to Thor. It had seemed so meaningless in the moment but now he wanted so badly to remember them. They couldn’t have been good. There had been so many times in his life where he had wished Thor was dead and now that he was gone Loki had never felt so alone. He wanted to see Thor just one more time.

Loki felt tears spilled down his face. It felt like part of his being had been carved out. The last person who could possibly have cared about him was dead and he was left with an emptiness. He was truly alone and he had no one to blame but himself. It was his fault all of this had happened. He might as well have killed Thor himself.

Loki felt a hand catch his chin and in his haze, he looked up to see the Grandmaster inches from him.

“Why are you crying, Lo?” The Grandmaster asked, annoyance leaking into his tone.

Any other time Loki would have shaken his head, he would have drowned himself in alcohol but for once he wanted to hear it out loud. He wanted someone, anyone, even if it was a manic immortal, to hear him. It would make it mean something. It would be less lonely.

“I miss him,” Loki murmured between his tears.

He felt the hands on his jaw tighten and his heart jumped. _Stupid. So stupid._ The Grandmaster didn’t like this kind of talk. This talk got him hurt.

“Sakaar is your home,” the Grandmaster scolded, “The past means nothing here.”

The words cut through him and Loki swallowed hard. The past meant something but he could no longer speak of it, which made Loki question if it had happened at all. There was something about words that brought things to life. Loki couldn’t help wondering that if he spoke Thor’s name that it would bring him back. He was too old for miracles. Yet he owed it to Thor to keep his name alive, especially when he couldn’t even give him the funeral he had deserved.

“Pull yourself together, you know what happens to broken things,” the Grandmaster said.

Loki felt a bottle pressed into his hand. It was what the Grandmaster always did when Loki didn’t act the way he wanted. Loki dipped the drink back. It wouldn’t get him drunk, some days Loki was sure he drank himself sober. Yet there was comfort in a bottle, comfort a dead brother could never give.

 

**3.**

Loki didn’t know when it started but every morning he woke with the shakes. It had started with his hands but these days his whole body would quiver. The only cure Loki found was a morning drink so he always made sure he had it before the Grandmaster could see. It solved the problem.

Yet today there was no Grandmaster. Loki dressed and searched but he was nowhere to be found. Loki could only assume that at one point he had known but since he couldn’t remember the night before the Grandmaster was probably warming someone else’s bed.

Loki made his way to the bar and he didn’t even need to ask the bartender for him to slide him his strongest liquor from under the counter. Loki drank it straight, no longer bothered by the burn, and instead found an odd pleasure from it. He ignored the passed out people around the room from the night before and one couple that was still going at it.

Valkyrie slid into the seat beside him, “You’re going to kill yourself with that.”

Loki paused, the bottle resting against his lips, “You’re one to talk.”

Valkyrie huffed, drinking the shot she had in her hand.

Loki took a swig before climbing off the stool, “I really don’t think any of this is your business.”

“It is if I have to replace you.” Valkyrie spat.

“And that would be so terrible?” Loki’s lips twisted, “It would make you more money. Don’t pretend you actually care about me, you just don’t want to leave the city so soon for a replacement. That would mean leaving this bar. Everyone knows you drink more than me.”

Valkyrie for a second had an expression Loki might have considered sad if it hadn’t vanished instantly, “That might have once been true but you’re here more than me, these days.”

Loki paused. She didn’t know what she was talking about. She was the one with the problem, not him. He just needed to drink Thor’s face from his mind. He needed to fill the emptiness that his brother had left behind. It wasn’t his fault that alcohol didn’t seem to block it anymore. It didn’t even block the feeling of Grandmaster’s hands on him. The drink didn’t work anymore but it was worse without.

“It won’t solve anything,” Valkyrie said, reaching out for him.

Loki dodged her grip, “Leave me alone,” He spat, “I don’t need advice from an old drunk.”

Like every time before no one followed him. As Loki walked he drank straight from the bottle. Living in Sakaar promised him a grave anyway. It was better to drown himself in alcohol than be melted. Neither mattered as neither would bring him Thor.

 

**4.**

When Loki first heard the voice he had assumed it was in his head. It had been so clear when he had been sure his memory of it had faded. With the amount he drank he could keep most memories at bay. Yet when he looked up he knew he was not seeing his brother’s ghost, even if he was considering if the Grandmaster had put something in his drink again without telling him.

In front of him was a real Thor. A living and breathing Thor. Loki felt a smile fall over his face and he wanted nothing more than to embrace him but he hid away his expression. This was not the time or place.

Loki felt a painful twist in his heart as he denied even knowing his own brother. Loki felt helpless as he watched Thor carted away to the arena where he would surely meet his death. Loki would lose his brother when he had only just found him.

Loki visited Thor with magic. He wanted to explain that he was no match for the Grandmaster, he wanted to explain how he had thought him dead and how he understood how it was to mourn. He wanted to say sorry, he wanted to ask for help and he wanted to offer it.

The conversation ended badly as most things did these days. Words were left unsaid as they had been for months and it hurt more now than it ever had when he had thought Thor dead. His brother was right in front of him but he still couldn’t speak. He couldn’t tell him all the things he wanted to. Worst of all Loki would have to watch Thor die in the arena and there was nothing he could do about it.

His brother might be alive but that night Loki drank so much that he blacked out. The Grandmaster laughed about it but Valkyrie wouldn’t even meet his eye. It made Loki wish Thor hadn’t come. He didn’t want Thor to die. He couldn’t lose him again. He couldn’t explain and he couldn’t let Thor see him like this and yet the next night Loki drank so much the Grandmaster didn’t laugh.

 

**5.**

Loki stared out into space that surrounded the ship. Somewhere out there was Sakaar, a place for lost things, a moment where time stood still and yet Loki could not spot it in the darkness.

“I thought I might find you here, brother.” Thor said behind him.

Loki turned with a smile and for once he didn’t push the hand off the shoulder. It was warm and solid. It was alive. If there was moment Loki wanted to be trapped in, it would be this one. Thor looked at him as if he could see something shining inside him, there was still a weariness hidden in there but that made the look balanced. It felt more as if Thor understood him. Thor returned the smile and the moment was complete. His brother was alive and they were together on their way to a new future.

“A perfect view for a drink,” Thor said as he pushed a cold drink into his hand, “Will you drink with me, brother?”

Loki felt the moment shatter as he brought the drink to clink against Thor’s. As the drink passed his lips he told himself there was nothing wrong with one drink. Loki stared out into the space in front of him that looked more like another dark hole for him to fall into. Loki could have one drink and stop.

 

**+1.**

The journey to Midgard was taking longer than any of them could have predicted. Resources were running low and Loki couldn’t help cursing himself. The store of alcohol should have lasted them and yet it had been two days since Loki had drunk the last bottle. He could feel himself crawling the walls. He wanted a drink. He _needed_ a drink.

His hands wouldn’t stop shaking no matter what he tried and now it was near impossible to hide. The lights were too bright and everyone was talking too loud. His heart was pounding in his chest and he couldn’t bring himself to leave his room because whenever he did, he felt a force wrap itself around him and steal his breath. Loki was afraid but he didn’t know what of.

He should have known Thor wouldn’t leave him alone. His brother found him hiding in a darkened room and when Loki tried to send him away it had little effect. Loki could see the worry in his eyes and he knew that Thor could sense something was wrong but Loki couldn’t talk about it. It was the same when Thor had caught him tearing a cargo room apart in the hopes of finding a single bottle. It was why Loki sat on his hands to hide the shakes. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell Thor what was happening, it was that he couldn’t. There was no way that Thor would understand what he had done to his body. He wouldn’t understand that it had been the only way to survive Sakaar and even when he had left the planet far away, it still felt like he had never left. Alcohol had been the only way to get through it and now Loki didn’t even have that.

Like everyone else, Thor left with all of these words left unspoken. Yet he only did this when Loki promised to share dinner with him, which was a promise he planned to break. He was told later that his change in decision to keep it had saved his life.

Loki couldn’t remember it. He could only remember walking to meet Thor and then moments later waking with Eir over him, in the makeshift healing bay. She told him he had suffered a seizure. One moment Loki had been standing, the next moment he had dropped to the ground. He had foamed at the mouth. His arms and legs had twisted and contorted unnaturally as if he were possessed. Blood had spilled down Loki’s chin as his teeth had sunk into his tongue. The noise he had made wasn’t one anyone would forget for a long time.

She told him if he had been alone the seizure could have killed him and part of him wish it had. It would have completed what he had started the first day he landed on Sakaar. But as Thor burst into the medical bay, Loki felt a pit in his stomach and there was a part of him that was glad he had made it. There was a strange desperation in Thor’s eyes and it was then that Loki realised that he and Thor were last of them, they were the only family they had left. If he had died, Thor would have had no one left. He knew what that had been like, he couldn’t let Thor relive it. Loki couldn’t let Thor be alone.

Thor was grasping his arm so hard it would have snapped a mortal’s.

“I cannot lose you again, Loki.” Thor mumbled into his chest.

Loki rested his hand on the small of his back. This had to be the last time Thor nearly lost him. They had been through too much for the bottom of a bottle to end them now. It had all spiraled out of control as things always did when Loki left things unspoken. He didn’t want to die in silence anymore.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Thor said into his neck.

“I didn’t know how to.”

He didn’t want Thor to look at him differently. He didn’t want to lose him when he had only just got him back. He didn’t want Thor to see how weak he had become. He didn’t want to explain how drinking had been the only way to survive and now that he was free, he hadn’t been able to stop, even when he had wanted to. It had been killing him but it had been his own hands around the bottle.

Loki glanced out of the window over Thor’s shoulder to the darkness space. He would beat this. Thor always seemed to have a way to save him, to see him as something better no matter how much blood he had on his hands, even if this time it was his own. They had Asgard to rebuild and Thor couldn’t do that alone. Somewhere out there Midgard would be waiting for them. Loki would make sure the sun shined on them again.


End file.
